水果派AV

Marriage, apparently, can be classified as a business transaction.

In exchange for a good income, a woman will have to accept a short, balding man with little or no personality. If she wants more, she has to offer more.

Or so it goes in 鈥淢aterialists,鈥� an odd look at relationships that never seems to do more than simmer.

Written and directed by Celine Song, who created the beautiful 鈥淧ast Lives,鈥� 鈥淢aterialists鈥� is like a Sandra Bullock comedy without the comedy or Bullock.

With Dakota Johnson in the lead, it just sits there, hoping to come to a boil and doesn鈥檛.

She鈥檚 a matchmaker (holy, 鈥淗ello, Dolly!鈥�) who tries to pair couples who can鈥檛 quite make the love connection on their own. Usually, there鈥檚 some kind of stumbling block聽鈥� age, weight, height 鈥斅燼nd she lifts the veil.

While attending the wedding of one of her matches, she meets the groom鈥檚 wealthy relative (Pedro Pascal) who has everything a woman could want. Playing the Burt Reynolds card, Pascal suggests he might be right for the matchmaker. Just as she鈥檚 about to ponder the offer, a bottle of Coke and a beer are plopped on her table. They鈥檙e from an old beau (Chris Evans) who鈥檚 a cater-waiter when he鈥檚 not acting.

In one swift move, she鈥檚 given choices. But where to turn? Naturally, there are issues at work and some secrets that don鈥檛 come to light until Song has exhausted every possibility. When she reveals what might be a downside to one of the candidates, it鈥檚 a nonstarter for most.

Here, though, it鈥檚 a deal breaker聽鈥� a reason to rush into the arms of the other. While Pascal and Evans do a good job making a case for themselves, it鈥檚 a miracle they鈥檇 want to spend the rest of their lives with a woman who鈥檚 constantly sizing them up, seeing where they might land on her Venn diagram of聽relationships.

While Evans could make a living in聽soap operas (thus ending his path of poverty), there鈥檚 really no downside to Pascal. Owning a stunning place in New York, he pitches the idea of a vacation in Iceland, seems endlessly interested in his new squeeze, and doesn鈥檛 mind that she鈥檚 in a field one step removed from prostitution.

鈥淢aterialists鈥� limps along until a crisis occurs with one of Johnson鈥檚 clients. Then it gives her a moment to pause and come to some dumb conclusion about her own wants and needs. Too often, Johnson plays much of this close to the vest. You can鈥檛 really tell if she鈥檚 worth the investment or looking for entries for her own burn book.

Song either needed to spiff this up with some one-liners (to relieve the ennui) or given it a dramatic twist to soften the blow.

Two hours in, you want someone to be a serial killer just to justify the time spent watching this. Sadly, no one is.